More from the Fairly Unbalanced

{ August 8, 2006 @ 1:12 am } · { The Raw Rants (and the Frog Goes Wild!) }
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They are just chocked full of them today! 

Some high muckety-muck from the ACLU is throwing a fit because someone in St. Bernards Parish, LA because someone there, with their own money using volunteer labor (supposedly) is putting up a memorial in the form of a cross with the picture of Jesus on it…. and since this promotes religion and would offend Wiccans, Zen Buddhists and Jewish people displaced by the storm.    (Okay, all the witches, monks and rabbis that are still in New Orleans to give a shit, please raise your broom, prayer beads and dradels).

Now, its not if the president of the parish could just smile and nod or give some intelligent discorse on the subject.  No, he comes out and says just what’s on the top of his mind.

His response to the ALCU? “They can kiss my ass!” (Think I’m making it up?  Look it up here).

What ?!?  What?!?

Proof That FoxNews Is Run By Bart Simpson

{ August 7, 2006 @ 9:17 pm } · { The Raw Rants (and the Frog Goes Wild!) }
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I was just taking a break at my office and watching the news.  The first news story I hear from the Fairly Unbalanced people is where there was a fire in the oldest hotel in New York in a sixth story linen closet.

The next story covered is with this whole US/France-drafted “truce” to stop the violence between Isreal and Lebannon.  In the response to Lebannon’s less-than-impressed reaction to this effort, our very own “Captain Kangaroo on Crack” UN Ambassador John Bolton said,”Well, this isn’t something we just came up with in a closet….”.  The following image was a burning building in Beirut.

Now, story placement like that can only come from someone who’s tagline is “Eat My Shorts!”

TJ

BooYa!

{ August 7, 2006 @ 12:49 am } · { Proud TJ Productions and Other Video Links }
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Well, Campers…. now it’s time I introduce you to another growing hobby of mine: making videos with clips I get here and there.  Mostly, they are from my son, Morgan (believe me, you’ll catch on to the pattern quickly!).

I originally called this one “WackyTime”, but I wasn’t really sold on it.  So, I went with “BooYa!”.  Reasons:

1. I think it’s more appropiate to the video

2. BooYa! is just fun to say.

Check it out right here!  Enjoy!

 TJ

Names of the Insane – NAPOLEON WRIGHT

{ August 4, 2006 @ 4:55 pm } · { Names of the Insane }
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The less talked about third brother of Orville and Wilber.  They wouldn’t let him fly though because he’s always have one hand in his shirt and the other throwing croissants at people.

Names of the Insane – PATRICIA LOBB

{ August 4, 2006 @ 4:37 pm } · { Names of the Insane }
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….. throws like a girl. (You should have seen that coming miles in the distance…. like fat rednecks flocking to the All-You-Can-Stuff-Fried-Chicken-&-Pie Buffet!)

Names of the Insane – JOYCE NAYLOR

{ July 26, 2006 @ 2:01 am } · { Names of the Insane }
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She has shirts with her name in large print that she gives out after all of her dates! :D

Names of the Insane – LISA QUATTROCHI

{ July 26, 2006 @ 1:53 am } · { Names of the Insane }
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For when you really don’t want to buy a Harley……

TJ & His Amazing Exploding Knees

{ July 25, 2006 @ 12:41 am } · { The Raw Rants (and the Frog Goes Wild!) }
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My good buddy Tim (www.timboerger.net) gave a ringing endorsement about the humble little blog you’ve decided to grace, kind reader… and used the title “TJ & His Amazing Exploding Knees”. 

Now, along with being a Monty Python reference (for all you hooligans supporting West Ham United), he unknowingly touched on an interesting story.  You see, I’ve been in the Martial Arts for several years… and if you know me, you know that I have a certain knack for having “things happen”.  (My wife has likened it to an oversized puppy with large feet that can’t control his tail.)

Anywho, this was way back when I was a Blue Belt in Shorin-Ryu.  We were working on sparring that day.  My Sensei (we’ll call him DB to protect the “innocent”), who was also big into Tae Kwon Do-style point sparring, was sparring with me.  He was really working with us to keep distance between our opponent by jamming the knee up.  The problem was, he decided that he didn’t need to wear a cup.

Two Words: Bad Idea! :x

Well, here we go…. round and round, up in fighting stance… and DB closes in.  Well, I jammed the knee up to maintain space.  DB stepped into me at the same time, and Voila! TJ’s Amazing Exploding Knees were born… and the point of impact happened to be DB’s left tescticle. This was not just a little graze or nudge, mind you… the knee caused the tescticle to pop like bubble-wrap.

Of course, I didn’t know that’s what the actual damage was until a few days later.  And years later, DB was still able to father children with one working testicle.

They all limped to the left and talked with a lisp, but other than that…. :D

TJ

Names of the Insane – CATHERINE M BOOB

{ July 24, 2006 @ 6:24 pm } · { Names of the Insane }
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Wouldn’t you love to be at that family reunion?  Boobs everywhere!  You could even crash their party and be called a Fake Boob (you’d just have to stand really straight and wear a rubber suit! :D )

Just watch out when you don’t get a couple of them upset.  They might get in your face and start bouncing you around and sandwich you in between them.  The ones with the piercings are the worst, too!  You could poke an eye out that way!

Names of the Insane

{ July 22, 2006 @ 3:02 am } · { Names of the Insane }
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My good friend Jamie and I started this game when he was still working at my office (or what I belovedly call “Fractured Farms“.  Those of you that have ever played or heard of a game called OddWorld and know where I work will surely get the reference). 

We would take precious company time to keep our sanity and keep our brains nimble by commenting on names of callers that we’d get.  Real people, mind you… not just names we’d pull out of our ass because we were bored!  Some people’s parents really had the presence (or abscence) of mind to actually name their children like this!  We probably aren’t doing anything that a good 3/4th of everyone around them already do (if they could stand the smell, that is!)

This is only a partial list and is subject to several additions (since there’s no shortages of Crack Monkeys and Ass Clowns :x )

BEULAH  DINGWELL – I’m imagining a 400lb Southern woman driving a VW van with a bumper sticker that says “I Brake for Bacon Grease”

JIM CROFOOT - (Crowfoot) -  Nickname: “Eagle Eyes”

DENNIS BLUE – They called him “Balls” in high school.

 

TONY KANDIK – There’s one of two ways that you could go with this:

1) a Bomb Shelter Date

2) Charlies the Tuna’s real name

DEBBIE YAEKLE – two words: Pickle Vomit

VICKKI PICKETT – PETA lobbyist and cronic nose picker

 

RICHARD (Dick) COOK – Tony Kandik’s roommate

 

DAVID SCHMUCK  – some things speak for themselves

 

PATRICIA NUCLEAR MORGAN – a hot date, but you’d flash neon orange and green for 10 years

 

Potential names that are yet to be commented on:

 

WANDA DEE VOID – I wish I could say I made this up, but the large Crack Monkey’s mind-sucking black hole of a voice just wouldn’t let me. 

 

PAMELA POLKA – Nickname: Beer Barrel

 

CHENXI (Chincy) DONG – Sex Toys that are Made in China

 

JERRY SKINNER – Jerry Springer was thinking of using this name, but decided not to because he thought it would attract too many rednecks to the show.

 

CAROL SCHUCKERS – WATCH OUT FOR FLYING YODLERS! :O

 

DIANE  SIT – Either a born couch potato or someone who married a Catholic name Stan D and had a son name Neal

 

CHARLES  CHEESEMAN – Chucky Cheese’s legal name

 

DUSTY POOL – swimming in the sea of Old Western Sidekick names.  Not to mention, a very lively date with a dry witt! ;D

 

That’s enough for now.  I’ll dole these little gems out over time, just to keep the content flowing and your minds churning a bit! :D

Stay Tuned, True Believers!

TJ

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