She has shirts with her name in large print that she gives out after all of her dates! 😀
Archive for July, 2006
TJ & His Amazing Exploding Knees
My good buddy Tim (www.timboerger.net) gave a ringing endorsement about the humble little blog you’ve decided to grace, kind reader… and used the title “TJ & His Amazing Exploding Knees”.
Now, along with being a Monty Python reference (for all you hooligans supporting West Ham United), he unknowingly touched on an interesting story. You see, I’ve been in the Martial Arts for several years… and if you know me, you know that I have a certain knack for having “things happen”. (My wife has likened it to an oversized puppy with large feet that can’t control his tail.)
Anywho, this was way back when I was a Blue Belt in Shorin-Ryu. We were working on sparring that day. My Sensei (we’ll call him DB to protect the “innocent”), who was also big into Tae Kwon Do-style point sparring, was sparring with me. He was really working with us to keep distance between our opponent by jamming the knee up. The problem was, he decided that he didn’t need to wear a cup.
Two Words: Bad Idea! 😡
Well, here we go…. round and round, up in fighting stance… and DB closes in. Well, I jammed the knee up to maintain space. DB stepped into me at the same time, and Voila! TJ’s Amazing Exploding Knees were born… and the point of impact happened to be DB’s left tescticle. This was not just a little graze or nudge, mind you… the knee caused the tescticle to pop like bubble-wrap.
Of course, I didn’t know that’s what the actual damage was until a few days later. And years later, DB was still able to father children with one working testicle.
They all limped to the left and talked with a lisp, but other than that…. 😀
TJ
Names of the Insane – CATHERINE M BOOB
Wouldn’t you love to be at that family reunion? Boobs everywhere! You could even crash their party and be called a Fake Boob (you’d just have to stand really straight and wear a rubber suit! 😀 )
Just watch out when you don’t get a couple of them upset. They might get in your face and start bouncing you around and sandwich you in between them. The ones with the piercings are the worst, too! You could poke an eye out that way!
Names of the Insane
My good friend Jamie and I started this game when he was still working at my office (or what I belovedly call “Fractured Farms“. Those of you that have ever played or heard of a game called OddWorld and know where I work will surely get the reference).
We would take precious company time to keep our sanity and keep our brains nimble by commenting on names of callers that we’d get. Real people, mind you… not just names we’d pull out of our ass because we were bored! Some people’s parents really had the presence (or abscence) of mind to actually name their children like this! We probably aren’t doing anything that a good 3/4th of everyone around them already do (if they could stand the smell, that is!)
This is only a partial list and is subject to several additions (since there’s no shortages of Crack Monkeys and Ass Clowns :x)
BEULAH DINGWELL – I’m imagining a 400lb Southern woman driving a VW van with a bumper sticker that says “I Brake for Bacon Grease”
JIM CROFOOT – (Crowfoot) – Nickname: “Eagle Eyes”
DENNIS BLUE – They called him “Balls” in high school.
TONY KANDIK – There’s one of two ways that you could go with this:
1) a Bomb Shelter Date
2) Charlies the Tuna’s real name
DEBBIE YAEKLE – two words: Pickle Vomit
VICKKI PICKETT – PETA lobbyist and cronic nose picker
RICHARD (Dick) COOK – Tony Kandik’s roommate
DAVID SCHMUCK – some things speak for themselves
PATRICIA NUCLEAR MORGAN – a hot date, but you’d flash neon orange and green for 10 years
Potential names that are yet to be commented on:
WANDA DEE VOID – I wish I could say I made this up, but the large Crack Monkey’s mind-sucking black hole of a voice just wouldn’t let me.
PAMELA POLKA – Nickname: Beer Barrel
CHENXI (Chincy) DONG – Sex Toys that are Made in China
JERRY SKINNER – Jerry Springer was thinking of using this name, but decided not to because he thought it would attract too many rednecks to the show.
CAROL SCHUCKERS – WATCH OUT FOR FLYING YODLERS! :O
DIANE SIT – Either a born couch potato or someone who married a Catholic name Stan D and had a son name Neal
CHARLES CHEESEMAN – Chucky Cheese’s legal name
DUSTY POOL – swimming in the sea of Old Western Sidekick names. Not to mention, a very lively date with a dry witt! ;D
That’s enough for now. I’ll dole these little gems out over time, just to keep the content flowing and your minds churning a bit! 😀
Stay Tuned, True Believers!
TJ
This is your first and only warning, Jack!
Read the Disclaimer before before you wet yourself and shoot brains out of your ears!
What?!? What?!?
There are so many levels of WRONG in the story that I just read. The credit for this little piece of journalistic brilliance goes to CNN.com. Let me share the lovin’ with a little bit of running commontary!
Man wins $400K for 10-year implant malfunction
PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island (AP) — A former handyman (maybe he was too handy) has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection (He could have made 10 times that if he just went into porn).
Charles “Chick“(no wonder he had problems getting it up) Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996(as if getting a Prince Albert wasn’t bad enough), about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it(ah, the power of hydralics).
But Lennon could not position his penis downward (they then had to change his nickname Hook or the Angry Elephant). He said he could no longer hug people (like he had “hugging” in mind when he got the Bionic Dick in the first place) , ride a bike (how the hell is he riding the bike?), swim or wear bathing trunks (he could wear a fin-shape cod piece and do the back stroke) because of the pain and embarrassment (you’d think the embarassment of asking for the mini-slinky in the cock and then having to admit to a lawer that it went wrong would be worse). He has become a recluse (as opposed to what he was before Mr. Slinky rusted on him) and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren (they kept wanting to play Ring Toss with him), his lawyer said.
In 2004, a jury awarded him $750,000. A judge called that excessive (I think the words he used was “Swolen and Overblown”) and reduced it to $400,000. On Friday, the Rhode Island Supreme Court affirmed that award in a ruling that turned on a procedural matter.
“I don’t know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client’s life(Ron Jeremy, Rod Steele),” said Jules D’Alessandro, Lennon’s attorney. “He’s not a whole person(isn’t that why he turned his dick into a hydralic jack in the first place?).”
A lawyer representing both Dura-II manufacturer Dacomed Corp. and the company’s insurer declined to comment (they were too busy laughing their ass off). Dacomed maintained that nothing was wrong with the implant (it definitely fell under “User Error”).
The implant consists of a series of plastic plates strung together with steel surgical wire, almost like a roll of wrapped coins (gives the phrase “shrunk like a stack of dimes” a whole new “slant”, doesn’t it?). Springs press against the plates, creating enough surface tension to simulate an erection (so he now has a Slinky with a short wick. Isn’t there a song about playing with a toy on a short string? Hmmmm…) , D’Alessandro said.
Lennon cannot get the implant removed because of health problems (what about the Mental Problem that he had getting a Slinky put in his johnson in the first place? ), including open-heart surgery (I guess there was no hind sight with that choice, what with all the sex that he was having to keep his heart heathy and all that) , his lawyer said. Impotence drugs could not help Lennon (but some WD-40 might) even if he were able to have the device taken out, because tissue had be to removed for it to be implanted(the nightmare of Cyborb Porn).
Dacomed was later acquired by a California company whose sales dropped when Viagra was introduced on the market (I guess Lennon wasn’t the only one who lost his dick). The company filed for bankruptcy the following year.
Hey, maybe he could wite a book about it? He could get John Wayne Bobbit to consult!
People Who Have Too Much F@*%ing Time On Their Hands
Now let me start by qualifying this: I consider myself a Christian (born and raised Luthern), but I like to think I can see the bigger picture of things and can sniff out the bullshit from the bacon. I happened to glance at CNN today and saw that there was an article on how James Dobson and his group (they call themselves Christians… but don’t let that sway you) come out (no pun intended) and condemn a remake of We Are The World done with kid’s TV show characters such as Bob The Builder, Dora The Explorer, the gang from Seseme Street and SpongeBob Squarepants. The reason the’re throwing stones is because its an effort from the gay community to promote homosexuality to children. (see Christians issue gay warning on SpongeBob video) by that evil yellow holey mass with pants, SpongeBob and his flaming Pineapple.
What’s wrong with this, you ask? PLENTY! First of all, has Dr. Dobson truly have nothing better to do with his time than sit around and try to pick out obscure references out of kid shows and blow them up to stupid proportions? There are two main reasons why SpongeBob has become a “gay” icon: 1. The media in its finite (not infinite because that’s giving them way too much credit) wisdom also had nothing better to do and “outed” the pineapple (not SpongeBob mind you, the Pineapple). 2. According to some market analysis, there is a high percentage of people that buy SpongeBob merchendice that happen to be gay. Now, because of these two very strong and credible sources (taste the dripping scarcasm here), the Religious Fanatics (Dobson, Falwell, et all) condemn SpongeBob because the MEDIA told them that SpongeBob was gay… they never went to the writers or the creators of the show… they didn’t really look into it very deeply.. they just found one more thing to point at and say “See, our children are in danger of everlasting damnation!”
My son watchs SpongeBob on occasion, and I really haven’t seen him try to play dress up and start hitting on the other three year old boys… so either he’s immune to the “evil messages” that shows like that are putting out, he’s smart enough to recognize fantasy from reality (maybe Dobson, Falwell and Robertson… from here on called the Three Stooges… should take notes) and/or THERE’S NOTHING THERE.
If Dobson and the Stooges are, in fact, going to start throwing stones (pun fully intended) on things like this, then they need to come out and condemn the President as being an agent of Satan. Why, you ask? Well, the next news item I heard on the radio… The President today, in celebration on the start of his second term in office, waives to the crowd and both he and Laura Bush through out the Texas Longhorn salute (which is the pinky and index finger pointed straight out and the thumb holding the middle two fingers down, for those of you not in the know or just living under a friggin’ rock). What’s wrong with this seemingly benign gesture of celebration that the University of Texas has held for their own for so many years? Well, traditionally, that gesture is what’s known as the Evil Eye or the Sign of the Devil himself!
Now, this is not a bash against Bush (although I sometimes don’t exactly agree with his tact or timing on some issues). What I am saying though is that if you are going to start looking for obscure little things to condemn people on… then you technically have to look at everything. You’d of course be an idiot with too much time on your hands, but at least you’d be consistant.
So, in short: If SpongeBob is flaming his way to Hell because the media says he’s gay and the Three Stooges are dropkicking him down to Dante and the Crew, then President Bush is right along with him banging his head and flashing the Sign like Rudolph on Christmas Eve.
OR
Maybe, the Stooges should look before they leap and use that mass of jelly between their ears called a brain for once!
Free Speech for Morons (aka Welcome to My Political Rant I)
Let me start of by stating the obvious….. People are Fucking Morons!
Why, you ask? Well, take a good look at our world today… and the answer should be fairly plain.
The world is divided three four parts…..
1. Those who create a lot of noise pushing whatever lame-ass-cracked out-nothing better to do with their worthless life than tear people down and push agendas that the voices in their head convinced that its “an idea everyone should hear”… (aka Ass-Clowns)
2. Those that will nod their empty little heads and jump on the bandwagon because they have no fucking direction to their worthless lives other than parroting the loud, obnoxious ass clown on the corner… (aka Crack Monkeys)
3. The media that is interspersed in the crowd that convinces both sides that if they whine and yell loud enough, its going to get them on TV/print/the Internet and make them rich in the process – or – that jumping off that cliff really is a good idea because the all-mighty-boob-tube says it is…. and
4.The rest of us long-suffering people that have half a brain and can (gasp) think for ourselves and have to put up with this crap!
Ironically, what spawned this rant is me happening to flip to Scarborough Country on MSNBC and watching both sides of the political isle pitch a fit about how Hollywood is so liberal and is pushing their “lifestyle” on everyone because a movie about a couple of gay cowboys and one about a gay author happened to make the Oscars and its going to throw everyone into a window-treatment fashion ass-grabing frenzy!
It was followed up by Oprah’s “outrage” that one of the authors she promoted may have “embelshed” on his life as a drug addict (and, if you were really in a drug-induced haze for a good part of your life, who wouldn’t?) and the large movement of the outraged pubic (Ass-Clowns and Crack Monkeys alike) that are going to sue Double-Day and the author for millions of dollars because their fragle little sensibilities were so irreprably damaged.
My wife (being a self-professed Liberal on the left of the Green Party) wants to see “Jerk-Off Mountain” and Capote, not because they push a certain agenda, but there are actors and directors that do pretty good work that she wants to see how they do… and I could fairly-well garantee you that she will walk out of the theatre the same person that walked into that theatre. BBM doesn’t really appeal to me, so I probably won’t see it. I (the registered-Republican) wouldn’t mind seeing Capote because Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a pretty good actor…. and I can garantee you that its not going to make me want to flip my wrist, change my wardrobe and grab men’s asses!
Now, here’s where the Free Speech-thing comes into play… and it works just like the TV and the radio. If you disagree with a movie’s premise or content, there are a whole bunch of other movies that you can watch (like Pearl Harbour or How I Scored On Your Mother) that may be more to you’re liking. Better yet, you can save the $20 that you’d spend on the movies and not watch the fucking thing! And, if you happen to go to a movie that is really rubbing your sensibilities the wrong way… there are these things at the theatres called doors… and guess what, you can walk out them and go somewhere else or politely ask the minimum-wager running the ticket office for your money back!
It’s just like TV and the Radio…. one button turns them on and off and the other changes the fucking station! Wow, what a concept!
Better yet, we have these things between our ears called brains that, if use properly, we can use to determine what is really dealing with and what is a bunch of crap!
The problem with this concept is that we have too many people in the Media that want to make a buck off of someone else’s back and give the air to any Ass-Clown loud enough to get ratings and pay for their time and too many other people that will listen. So, there’s the Media in the middle… taking it from both sides like Anne Heche and flying off in their million-dollar spaceship to FruitLoopia… because they can!
And, as far as the Million Little Pieces of Crap book and the people that want to sue because the author took some “artistic liberties” and they feel cheated… I want to say to thse people:
Go back to surfing for porn in your mother’s basement! (You can check out the one I found on your mother: www.yourmotherscrewsforfrenchfries.net)
Again, same thing applies… if you buy the book and find out it’s a bunch of crap… you can take it back and get a refund (provided you didn’t already wipe your ass with it!) and don’t read it! Or, if your friend’s-brother’s-cousin’s-second roommate’s co-worker at the methedone clinic read it and says that its a bunch of crap… you can not buy the book… right after you make sure he has his whole head in front of the shotgun!
By the way, now that Oprah’s “so disappointed and offended” that this bearded Grizzly Adams Metrosexual blew his life out of proportion to fill up 400 pages and make money off it, here’s my personal little message to her:
Go back to whoring for Jerry Springer where you belong!
I can say that with confidence because she only threw a fit about the whole thing after a month-and-a-half of the Smoking Gun digging up shit on this guy (quintesential Ass Clowns that they are) and all of the other Media Stations jumping on the bandwagon and running with it. She was about to take a stance and defend her choice in this book… but then she saw how many Crak Monkeys were making noise and turning her off and said ” Wow! Time to go back on my knees for awhile for my adoring public!”
Bottom line is:
If you find it hard to engage those brain cells and thinking for yourself…. there are plenty of places for people like you: the Moon, Montana and Canada, just to name a few!
Unitl next time, this was this time!
TJ
PS: If you took offense at anything I wrote here, please be advised that my viewpoints are mine alone and I took liberties with my opinions to make a point. You are more than welcome to disagree with them and walk away.
PPS: If you did get upset and didn’t get to this disclamer, it’s time to up the Rittlin dose. If you can’t do that right now…. Hey, look at the funny monkey over there!
Buckle Up!
Here we go, kids! Another little outlet for my modest (yes, I said modest! :-D) litte platform of diatribes and rants. It’s like my own way of doing the old Three Stoodges bit where the straight man knocks Moe, Larry and Curly’s heads together!
I’m going to start by catching you up with the other places I place my own twisted brand of logic on in hopes that someone will see and laugh (rather than just staring at the screen with a large string of drool stung from the corner of your mouth going “Dar… this isn’t Hamster Porn!”)
As I say with my other areas, Buckle Up! It’s going to be a bumpy ride!
TJ
TJ\'s Blog on a Log with a Frog 